The Beginning - Why Do I Want to be a Surrogate
Since announcing to all my friends and family that I am going to be a surrogate, the questions have come flooding in. This is to be expected because most people "know" of someone who did this as well. They may not know their whole story or their reasoning behind it because may be that person didn't enjoy being an open book.
Me on the other hand, I'm the opposite. I want to create an awareness around surrogates and remove that taboo talk about infertility. Infertility in its own is a very hard subject for so many couples. You don't know you are infertility till you try or if you are told ahead of time. For most people, it is the trying that brings out the idea that you may not be able to carry a child, or you will have to go through some sort of infertility process.
I talk about this because I was one of those people that didn't know until we started trying. Yeah, I know I have a female partner, but I thought, heck, why can't I get pregnant. I am healthy and young, and I have never had an abnormal pap or any known issues leading up to our trying.
One of the top questions I have been asked is, why did you want to be a surrogate? Great question but in order for me to answer that question, I have to start at the beginning of it all. I promise I didn't just wake up one morning and say, I'm going to have someone else's baby.
When Tammy and I started dating, the subject of kids came up, just like most couples but for us, this was going to be a very different process. We knew that going to the doctors was probably going to be at the top of the list. Tammy's story is her own so I won't get into that but she never thought she would have kids so it wasn't really in her future, or she didn't think it would be.
For me, I always wanted to be a mom. I knew that at some point in my life it would happen for me. With that said, I was willing to give up the possibility that I may never have children. I was marrying the love of my life and someone I knew I would spend the rest of my life with. Some thought it was crazy to give up on this dream of motherhood, but I knew that what I had was enough.
Over the years, we talked more about children and decided that in 2010 we would reach out to the fertility doctor and see what we needed to do. We did a few rounds of IUI but took a break because money was not on our side. We realized that it was not going to be as easy as it seemed. With a heterosexual couple, it can take an average of six months to two years to conceive. The lucky ones, about 30% of couples, it can happen in the first month. All the odds were against us, and the emotional toll was already starting to happen.
When we decided we wanted to do this again, we decided to try the known donor route. This means we did the process at home with Tammy doing the deed. There was a lot of laughs and facial expressions through this process and of course the tears. I can laugh about it now, but it was a very interesting process for the donor as well as us. Looking back now, I can say a few things:
1. Our donors were amazing, and we were extremely grateful for their time and dedication to us. It was tough on everyone when the negative tests kept coming in.
2. When you break it down, it was so unromantic and kind of gross. If it wasn't going to be fun and exciting, why should we keep doing it this way. Making a baby was supposed to be fun, right?!?!
We had over a year of negative tests staring back at us and our hearts were breaking. We had to try something else if we really wanted a child in our future.
In 2013, we decided to do it again and head back to the fertility doctor. Technology was more advanced, and they were more understanding of LGBTQ+ couples. They always supported us, but we weren't the only same sex couple in the waiting room. It felt good and right.
We tried two times and the second one took. We were finally pregnant. It shocked us both because we had a year of trying and it never worked. We were ready for our parenthood adventure. Except, this was yet another bump in the road that we didn't expect or think would ever happen to us. On November 1st, 2013, I miscarried our first little baby. I was seven weeks pregnant, so new but it was still so real. To me, the second we saw that positive test, we were parents.
It didn't matter that it was only seven weeks.
It didn't matter that we hadn't been to our first appointment.
It didn't matter that we hadn't seen or heard the heartbeat.
To us, that baby was ours and we were ready.
I will never ever forget that day for as long as I live. It is the most gut-wrenching process that I had ever been through. Birth had nothing on this because with birth, there was a prize at the end (for most). I would be able to hold my baby. With this, I would never ever hold that little one in my arms. I would never get to hear his heartbeat or see his little face.
When you go through a loss like this or infertility issues, your relationship is put on the ultimate test. This will either make or break a couple and I know that is harsh, but it is a hard-core reality. Tammy and I stood by each other through it all. When I could not hold myself up or even move on from this moment, she was right there to lift me up and guide me through to the light and show me that this would happen for us. I am one hundred percent happy that we kept fighting. It took another full year before we got pregnant again with Harper.
With the battle, we changed up the process of how we would do our insemination. We knew that what we were doing before was not going to work this time and IVF was not yet on the radar. What we learned is that my body needed to be told I was getting pregnant, and we timed it down to the day. I guess that makes sense for my personality. Ask me to do something and I promise you, it will get done.
We waited the twelve weeks, the ultrasound and seeing the strong heartbeat to finally tell the world that we were pregnant.
When we saw Harper for the first time, we knew that the uphill climb was worth it. We enjoyed and continue to enjoy all the moments with our little man. The good and the bad because in every moment there is a memory and even a lesson.
I can't even remember when we finally decided to try for Aberdeen but I'm pretty sure it was when we paid another month of keeping our donors' specimen in storage. We had one shot left with this donor, he was no longer able to give any more specimens, and this would be it for us.
We went back to the fertility doctor, and they suggested that we do IVF. We decided against it and knew that the process we did before worked and if it didn't then the one child, we had here on earth would be it for us. Well, it worked. Our one-shot wonder came into this world with her own agenda and plan right from the beginning.
Besides the issues with fertility and our miscarriage, I LOVED being pregnant. I loved everything about it. I am one of the lucky ones. I had very mild morning sickness. I gained the right amount of weight (yes there is a right amount). My doctors constantly told me that I had a textbook pregnancy. You can ask Tammy but I'm pretty sure I wasn't a crazy hormonal pregnant woman and I wanted to share my experience with everyone!
The deliveries are on a whole different level. Those were not textbook, I'm not even sure if they were in the book but I can tell you, I will never forget them. You forget the pain but the experience, hell no. It was a lot and we tried everything before we decided on a c-section for both. By Aberdeen, I knew that it was very likely I was going to have another c-section so when the doctor asked what I wanted to do after hours of hard-core labor and no progress. I kindly looked at him and said, "Get this fucking baby out of me. I don't care how or where you do it."
I am not sure I directly answered the question of why I want to be a surrogate or why I even thought of doing this. Here it is:
I want to be able to give someone a baby, someone that may not be able to carry their own. I want to watch a beautiful couple become a family and know that I was able to help them grow this family.
I know what it is like to be told it may not happen. I know what it is like to have that loss and heartbreak and the countless negative tests. I know what it is like to watch family members and friends and even strangers become pregnant, while you internally fight with the flood of emotions. You don't want to be mad at them because it is not their fault that it came a little easier for them.
When did I decide I was going to become a surrogate? It had always been in my forefront after we had Harper. I watched other friends and family members struggle with trying to get pregnant and I knew that one day I would love to make it happen for someone.
In 2019, I started the interview portion of becoming a surrogate but one of the things I would need to do it stop breast feeding. I knew Aberdeen was our last baby and I wasn't ready to give that up and neither was she. I knew that another opportunity would arise, and I decided to hold off until our breastfeeding journey was complete.
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