November 1st, 2013

Loss is one of the hardest things in life to go through. For me saying goodbye to a loved one is extremely hard. I always build these strong emotional relationships with my close friends and family that losing them almost feels like I've lost a little of myself. I thought that the hardest loss that I felt so far was losing my grandfather. Not being able to say goodbye face to face was very hard for me but as the years went on the loss of him got better and I continued to remember all the amazing times I had with him. The memories pushed most of the sorrow away, it was still there but hidden behind all the amazing thoughts and images I had of him!

I had no idea that the hardest loss I would feel was losing my unborn child. Unlike the loss of my grandfather, I had no memories no images nothing that would help me push past the sorrow and pain I felt. To this day I will never forget how I felt the day we lost our first child. Let's start with the good and how this first beautiful baby came about.

Tammy and I had been trying for 2 years at this point and it was getting tough to continue getting negative tests every month. The emotional toll it takes on you and your other half is really hard. There is a lot of disappointment and the pressure you put on yourself is a lot to handle at times. Tammy is an amazing supporter so it helped to always have a smiling face and a shoulder to cry on each month! The morning we found out I was just about 5 weeks pregnant and we woke early in the morning and called our moms, my sister and my best friend Faith! We were overwhelmed with joy! We could not contain that this was finally happening for us!

We went and got the first bloodwork done and followed up with the second to make sure everything was on track. Everything looks great so the first appointment with the doctor would be at about 7 to 8 weeks for a first ultrasound. How exciting right! I mean the emotions were all over the place and now I think back and realize now how I missed the signs of what could be a loss. I was too happy to see it and to naive to think it wouldn't happen to us, not after all this time.

November 1st 2013 began like any other day but something was a little off. I actually had Tammy bring me to work that day because I told her I wasn't feeling well. The light bleeding started the day before. After talking to the doctor they explained that sometimes it can happen. At that point I thought nothing of it. Then in the afternoon the solid red blood came. I freaked out but something inside me knew that this was not going to end well. I called the doctor and unfortunately if I was losing the baby there was nothing they could do. I was only 7 weeks and at that point I had to let nature take it's course.

Once we got home I slept. I was in some pain and the bleeding continued but again I had to let my body do what it needed to do. It was about 10:30pm when the pain got so bad Tammy forced me out of bed to bring me to the hospital. I could barely put my own shoes on let alone walk down the stairs. As we were about to walk out the door, I dropped to my hands and knees on my kitchen floor screaming and then it stopped. All the pain just stopped. I jumped up off the floor, ran to the bathroom and knew that I had officially lost the baby. Tammy flushed the toilet and I thank god for her strength because there was no way I would have been able to do it myself.

The pain is something I will NEVER forget. It was like something was being torn from inside me and that's exactly what was happening. My child, the one I will never get to hold, was being taken away from me. It was just physical pain that I felt but mentally. After it happen I couldn't talk about it. I couldn't look at a pregnant woman. I didn't speak to my mother or sister for weeks. I never told our friends or other family members. We kept it to ourselves. Tammy was again so strong about it all and reached out to those that we told to now tell them of our loss.

Earlier I said I was only 7 weeks because that's how it was said to me. Like only being 7 weeks doesn't really mean I was pregnant or I would have an easier time with losing the baby. Baby, because that's what it was. The day we found out we were pregnant it changed me. I always knew I would be a mom and it happened, finally! That little baby is what kept us pushing on to have Harper. That little one paved the way for his brother and now sister to be born. Did you catch the he? After to speaking to a few different Mediums we were told it was a boy!

I am 1 in 4. I will always remember our baby boy. I will never forgot how I felt for those 2 weeks. I may have never felt him move or seen him on the big screen, the love I felt for that little baby was so grand! Break the silence and talk about your loss. It's the only way I got through the hard times and didn't end up in a deep hole of depression. Also remember, you did nothing wrong. You could not have done anything different. In October we remember all the little babies that are no longer on this earth but looking down on us all! Sending love to all my mommies and daddies that have lost a beautiful baby.